AMERICA’S NEW TOP DOG

Wee-wee are in the Best of Show times and the Worst of Show times. America’s new top dog is a doggone, dogmatic, rabid, fat, pit bull. He is worse than fleas! He belongs in the dog pound. He hates the Democatic Paw-ty. He goes catatonic about Democats and growls that they are all Commiemeowists. He thinks he nose everything. He barks he will call out the dog catchers on his enemies and sic police dogs on them. Instead of democracy and freedom we will have democrazy and fleadom. He will chew up the Constitution. The leash we can do is hound him with pee-mails since we have a bone to pick with that pile of dog poop.

If you think times are ruff now just wait until that bad dog goes for a walk- all over us. It is not far-fetched that we soon won’t be able to afford putting a woof over our dog house. The Repuglickans want to cut Peticare so vet bills will jump. He promises to lower the prices on kibble and to deport unlicensed chihuahuas back to Mexico. Girl pooches have no rights and must have puppies. He wants a huge tariff on dog food that will raise prices. LGBTQ doggy rights will be cur-tailed, paw-sed and not allowed to go fur-ther. Repuglickans like Canines but hate Gaynines. He is just a crooked barker, mutt-ering nonsense doggerel and dumb dogma.

He is the oldest Top Dog ever elected and when he wakes up he needs a nap. They say you can’t teach old dogs new tricks. This dog is so old that he can’t remember any tricks but dirty tricks. Old age may have slowed him down but not his big mouth. Sometimes this old dog is not dumb and stupid, that’s when he’s asleep. His sex life all Depends. But the years have been good to him. It is his days that are the problem.

Dogald Dump was born very rich with a golden doggy dish and never had to work yet he barks that he is for the working dogs. He makes millions but pays no dog treat taxes. Venice is called Dog Town and we frown because to liberal Venice he’s a menace. All he does is tell lies and tall tails. Groucho once said, “He may look like an idiot and sound like an idiot, but don’t be fooled, he really is an idiot!” They say dogs have a great sense of smell and this one certainly smells. He stinks up the whole world!

He loves hot dogs in heat but worse of all he loves cat houses. That’s where the expression hot diggity dog comes from. That cheating dog humps any sexy poodle bitch. He loves to play with his balls and chase balls. He’s a nuts case. That dirty old dog even paid off hump hush treats to a young porno pooch so she wouldn’t howl. He’s a crooked and corny curmudgeon. So he is an old, worn, porn, horn corn dog. He should be fixed.

He does all kinds of doggy tricks like politricks. He drinks gin and toilet water and then takes a whiz on trees and the public. His rich owners don’t even carry baggies to pick up his shit. He runs with a pack of mangy mutts. He fills the White Dog House with mad dogs and hungry wolves. Everyone is worried what he is going to doo-doo! He will piddle and piss away our tax money. Someone should put a muzzle on him because he barks and howls and bites everyone.

Urine trouble if you don’t obey him. He wants us all on leashes and collars and he wants us to sit and Heil, I mean heel. We will have to kneel and bow – wow on our paws. If we don’t sit when commanded and roll over and wag our tails in approval and then lick his butt he’ll send us to the pound to be put to sleep. Doggone it we’ve become a country of butt sniffers and butt lickers!

My fellow doggys, ear ye, ear ye, lend me a paw. In the next election let’s lick, rub and scratch these flea bags out. In every dog race some are hair today and gone tomorrow. Paw-lease fur-get this bonehead and next time vote for a good dog like Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, Pluto, Clifford or Snoopy.

Dog (God backwards) Bless America!

-Perro Muttell